The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :
major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.
The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Learning About PCOS.
I have been diagnosed since 2011, but in all honesty i think i have been in denial for a long time and i think i am finally starting to realize if i want to be a success story i need to change, i need to change my diet, i need to change my lifestyle for the better.
i have only recently started researching PCOS, when i was diagnosed i was told to lose weight, given metformin and i was sent on my way, i was 19 years old and deep into depression. at the time i didn't care i didn't see myself living past 22 anyway. Since ive received help for my depression its kind of been the last thing on my mind i felt like my mental heath was the most important thing. so a again didn't worry about it.
I am now 23 and still barely know anything about my syndrome, so 2015 will be the year i learn alot i will learn everything there is to know about PCOS, I will do everything in my power to become a success story :)
my day today has been an active one. i woke up at 6am to go fishing with my dad we caught 11 snapper and dredged for scallops and got 36!! later on in the day my mum and sister brought my niece and nephew down for a go in the boat and to play on the beach. i manged to get some awesome shots and have decided i need a go pro as my big fancy camera is to big and im petrified of breaking it somehow.
xoxo till another day!
i have only recently started researching PCOS, when i was diagnosed i was told to lose weight, given metformin and i was sent on my way, i was 19 years old and deep into depression. at the time i didn't care i didn't see myself living past 22 anyway. Since ive received help for my depression its kind of been the last thing on my mind i felt like my mental heath was the most important thing. so a again didn't worry about it.
I am now 23 and still barely know anything about my syndrome, so 2015 will be the year i learn alot i will learn everything there is to know about PCOS, I will do everything in my power to become a success story :)
my day today has been an active one. i woke up at 6am to go fishing with my dad we caught 11 snapper and dredged for scallops and got 36!! later on in the day my mum and sister brought my niece and nephew down for a go in the boat and to play on the beach. i manged to get some awesome shots and have decided i need a go pro as my big fancy camera is to big and im petrified of breaking it somehow.
I also meet up with a girl who contacted me on tumblr who also has PCOS, and by god she is so inspirational its crazy we had an instant connection. and the fact we happened to be in the same town was awesome. it was nice to talk to someone who gets it you know? like i find i cant talk to my friends about PCOS cause they don't know about it. they dot know what we go through. This Girl im going t call her T helped more in an hour then what my doctors have in four years. She has also inspired me about cooking and how eating low GI isn't all that hard and we can still have yummy foods. So im setting yet another goal! Once a week i will cook something totally new. and the recipes will be altered so they are low GI she even gave me a recipe magazine that has like 10-15 recipes i want to try already :D im so excited for this year.
xoxo till another day!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
It has been Awhile
It has been almost 6 months since i last posted! i don't know why i stopped, but its now 2015!!
the last post i made was about e and my partner deciding to start trying for a baby. well we are still trying! no luck as of yet though. but AF made an appearance last month for the first time in a year so its a start even though nothing this month i am still hopeful things are at least trying to work in my body.
my diet and stuff hasn't been the best i moved out of my parents a few months ago and in with a friend and Chris and honestly our eating has been so bad but its starting to get better. im excited for the new year i have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week which leads me onto my new years resolutions for the year!
Number 1 is get debt free, i am not in a huge amount of debt i have my camera to pay off which will be in march. and i have around $400 on my credit card. so i know i can do it.
Number 2 is get healthier, i want to lose at least 20kg to help my fertility and general well being. the only thing that could hinder this is if i get pregnant but i am fairly certain because i am a bigger girl anyway losing a little bit of weight whilst pregnant will actually be a good thing so i am feeling good about being able to lose 20kg by 2016!
Number 3 is save for a new car. basically i have a two door car and with wanting a family its obviously not big enough so id like to save for a new one and hopefully have a new one by 2016.
Number 4 is either find a new job that i like or go into study photography.
That is pretty much it but im also going to make a goal of posting on here once a week as well, my life isnt that exciting but im a young woman living with PCOS and attempting to have a family before its to late. and i want to document it. so you can follow if you wish.
xoxo wishing you all a safe and happy new year.
the last post i made was about e and my partner deciding to start trying for a baby. well we are still trying! no luck as of yet though. but AF made an appearance last month for the first time in a year so its a start even though nothing this month i am still hopeful things are at least trying to work in my body.
my diet and stuff hasn't been the best i moved out of my parents a few months ago and in with a friend and Chris and honestly our eating has been so bad but its starting to get better. im excited for the new year i have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week which leads me onto my new years resolutions for the year!
Number 1 is get debt free, i am not in a huge amount of debt i have my camera to pay off which will be in march. and i have around $400 on my credit card. so i know i can do it.
Number 2 is get healthier, i want to lose at least 20kg to help my fertility and general well being. the only thing that could hinder this is if i get pregnant but i am fairly certain because i am a bigger girl anyway losing a little bit of weight whilst pregnant will actually be a good thing so i am feeling good about being able to lose 20kg by 2016!
Number 3 is save for a new car. basically i have a two door car and with wanting a family its obviously not big enough so id like to save for a new one and hopefully have a new one by 2016.
Number 4 is either find a new job that i like or go into study photography.
That is pretty much it but im also going to make a goal of posting on here once a week as well, my life isnt that exciting but im a young woman living with PCOS and attempting to have a family before its to late. and i want to document it. so you can follow if you wish.
xoxo wishing you all a safe and happy new year.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Who should i be.
This week has been up and down.
my best friend moved over from Brisbane and spent a couple of days with me before she left to start her new life at university, Which of course has got me thinking overtime about how i am stuck in a dead end job where i am treated like shit (along with the rest of the staff) and how i want to do more with my life and create a future but i am seriously stuck on what to study or do, should i just try and find a better paying job or should i spend then next three years studying? and if i do study what subject do i study? do i go and study what i had originally planned for my life before my depression hit the lowest point which was childcare? or do i go for my new hobby photography or do i do something completely new like social work ? i simply have no idea and i am scared because i am twenty three and should have my life together by now shouldn't i? i feel as though im just wasting time until my boyfriend is ready to start a family because deep down that is all i truly want. but i also want a good life for my children i don't want to be struggling with money. I don't want my children to grow up like i did although im not saying i had a bad childhood i know my parents gave me everything i needed and most of the time what i wanted but i know they also struggled with money. life is complicated and hard and beautiful all at the same time and i feel like im running out of time to do everything i want to achieve in my life
my best friend moved over from Brisbane and spent a couple of days with me before she left to start her new life at university, Which of course has got me thinking overtime about how i am stuck in a dead end job where i am treated like shit (along with the rest of the staff) and how i want to do more with my life and create a future but i am seriously stuck on what to study or do, should i just try and find a better paying job or should i spend then next three years studying? and if i do study what subject do i study? do i go and study what i had originally planned for my life before my depression hit the lowest point which was childcare? or do i go for my new hobby photography or do i do something completely new like social work ? i simply have no idea and i am scared because i am twenty three and should have my life together by now shouldn't i? i feel as though im just wasting time until my boyfriend is ready to start a family because deep down that is all i truly want. but i also want a good life for my children i don't want to be struggling with money. I don't want my children to grow up like i did although im not saying i had a bad childhood i know my parents gave me everything i needed and most of the time what i wanted but i know they also struggled with money. life is complicated and hard and beautiful all at the same time and i feel like im running out of time to do everything i want to achieve in my life
Monday, June 2, 2014
5th Birthday partys, Minion cakes and turning twenty three
To be honest i don't really know what to write about today.
when i was younger i had planed out my entire life at seventeen i studied childcare, and my plan was to get a job nannying overseas travel the world and see everything i felt i needed to until i was twenty-three, but after my studies finished and i moved back home i feel into a deep depression i was suffering from depression before this but it got a lot worse once i moved back home, for three years i stayed in bed until the early hours of the afternoon before my mother got home from work i would get up and tidy the house, and i would lie about how my job hunt was going because that was the last thing i wanted to do, i didn't want to wake up let alone go to work. I would starve myself until i binged and ate everything, then i would punish myself by either purging or slicing my skin, i was sick i was in my own little hell that i could not see a way out of i managed to keep my depression and self destruction habits a secret for a long time, even now my family does not know everything i was doing, for a long time there was only one person who i trusted enough to talk to and she was the one who pushed me to recover, she gave me an option, her friendship or my self destructive habits because she could not watch me go through it any longer she could not watch from the sidelines as i was slowly killing myself, i owe her my life and i will forever be great-full to her for helping me wake up and see what i was doing to myself.
I am twenty three today, and my life is nothing like i pictured it would be and today's been hard, my thoughts are all regrets i wanted so much more for my life by now but because i was sucked into depression i feel as though i have wasted a huge portion of my life that i will never get back. although im back on track and mostly recovered now i feel like im running out of time. because the truth is life is short, and it does go by in the blink of an eye. so from here on out im going to live my life to the fullest, im going to have fun everyday im going to make sure i do stuff spontaneously and live to make up for 10 years lost to depression. 10 years i will never get back.
what i have been up to.
This weekend i have a birthday dinner with my best friend, boyfriend and family, it was so much fun and i really enjoyed myself and i also got a minion cake! (im obsessed okay). Sunday my niece had a 5th frozen themed birthday party and i got to take some pictures! it was so fun and so awesome to see her with all her little friends from preschool, i can tell her mum is going to be in for a rough time with her once shes hits her teens haha.
when i was younger i had planed out my entire life at seventeen i studied childcare, and my plan was to get a job nannying overseas travel the world and see everything i felt i needed to until i was twenty-three, but after my studies finished and i moved back home i feel into a deep depression i was suffering from depression before this but it got a lot worse once i moved back home, for three years i stayed in bed until the early hours of the afternoon before my mother got home from work i would get up and tidy the house, and i would lie about how my job hunt was going because that was the last thing i wanted to do, i didn't want to wake up let alone go to work. I would starve myself until i binged and ate everything, then i would punish myself by either purging or slicing my skin, i was sick i was in my own little hell that i could not see a way out of i managed to keep my depression and self destruction habits a secret for a long time, even now my family does not know everything i was doing, for a long time there was only one person who i trusted enough to talk to and she was the one who pushed me to recover, she gave me an option, her friendship or my self destructive habits because she could not watch me go through it any longer she could not watch from the sidelines as i was slowly killing myself, i owe her my life and i will forever be great-full to her for helping me wake up and see what i was doing to myself.
I am twenty three today, and my life is nothing like i pictured it would be and today's been hard, my thoughts are all regrets i wanted so much more for my life by now but because i was sucked into depression i feel as though i have wasted a huge portion of my life that i will never get back. although im back on track and mostly recovered now i feel like im running out of time. because the truth is life is short, and it does go by in the blink of an eye. so from here on out im going to live my life to the fullest, im going to have fun everyday im going to make sure i do stuff spontaneously and live to make up for 10 years lost to depression. 10 years i will never get back.
what i have been up to.
This weekend i have a birthday dinner with my best friend, boyfriend and family, it was so much fun and i really enjoyed myself and i also got a minion cake! (im obsessed okay). Sunday my niece had a 5th frozen themed birthday party and i got to take some pictures! it was so fun and so awesome to see her with all her little friends from preschool, i can tell her mum is going to be in for a rough time with her once shes hits her teens haha.
Jelly
Cookied
My beautiful niece Dancing
Dancing again!!
Minion cake my bestie made me :D
Myself and the boyfriend
Present from the boyfriend
present from the best friend!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Weekly overview.
This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.
my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.
here are some pictures from during the week
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.
my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.
here are some pictures from during the week
Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing)
Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.
I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)
keep breaking free xoxo Sammy
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
You are no longer the first thing on my mind.
One of my biggest triggers is my father. he means everything to me and he was the one person i craved approval from. Even now i still hate upsetting him but i am learning to live my life for me and if that makes some people unhappy then they do not deserve to be in my life.
Fights with my Father was the most common thing to set me off after an argument i would go off into my room (normally storming off) shut the door and pull out my razor. over the past eight months that razor has been the first thing i have thought about after ever argument every disappointed look. And i would have to calm myself down i still go to my room i still cry but i don't dig out my razor i pace my room until i have calmed down enough to know i am not going to do anything stupid. i tried going for a drive but i found in my angry/upset state i would speed and not slow down around corners so i promised myself to never get behind the wheel again if i was upset or angry.
Yesterday after a rather heated argument with my father pulling out that razor was not the first thing to come to mind the first thing that came to mind was music "just turn it up you'll be fine". i stuck my head phones on turned the volume up and drowned out my thoughts. it wasn't until after i had calmed down and taken off my head phones to go get a drink of water that i realized that i hadn't even thought about slicing my skin.
I was grinning from ear to ear this is huge, to not want to hurt myself after something goes wrong.
to not want to hurt myself over someone else's harsh words.
In other news.
My birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks, i dread birthdays i hate getting older, i don't want to get older, i do plan to go out to dinner with my family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I am only turning twenty three so its not a big deal birthday but i am looking forward to it, i am well past the whole "lets get drunk" and ready for a nice semi quiet night. i must be getting old :)
Also lately i have been day dreaming of getting married and having kids and that whole chapter of life, my boyfriend thinks we are to young and wants to wait but i don't know i have been wanting a baby for a long time now and want one soon after all with my pcos the younger the better. but first i need to get down to a healthy weight so i can have the best chance and the healthiest pregnancy possible. that is another thing this blog will be used for :) im giving myself a year to lose 20-30kg. and will talk to the boyfriend about trying for a baby as a reward :)
anyway lovelies im of to tumblr for a bit until the boy finishes work then im off to bed so goodnight!
keep breaking free and i will post again soon xoxo
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
“For a long time I wasn’t
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Living.
Today was so awesome yet so basic.
Myself and my sister went to the beach it was about 45min away and the drive out into the country side was just so nice and the sun was shining and the beach was so beautiful even though its coming into winter and the water was freezing just walking along the beach taking pictures was so relaxing. One thing you all have to do if your are in recovery is get outside and enjoy what the world has to offer. Life is so beautiful there is so much to see and do live a little :) explore that park down the road, climb the hill and watch the sunset you wont regret it i promise.
some pictures from today
\
Myself and my sister went to the beach it was about 45min away and the drive out into the country side was just so nice and the sun was shining and the beach was so beautiful even though its coming into winter and the water was freezing just walking along the beach taking pictures was so relaxing. One thing you all have to do if your are in recovery is get outside and enjoy what the world has to offer. Life is so beautiful there is so much to see and do live a little :) explore that park down the road, climb the hill and watch the sunset you wont regret it i promise.
some pictures from today
\
first time to see a jellyfish up close :)
So my lovelies if your struggling today take a walk! just go outside and breath in the fresh air instagram me you pictures of where you walk to #sami33ee :) id love to see them
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Its been awhile.
Hey guys! (if your still out there)
to be honest i totally forgot about this blog. its been a good year since i posted here, i debated if i should just delete this one and start afresh or keep it as a reminder of how bad i got and how far i have come in just one short year. this blog will be changing a lot. it wont be as dark or as depressing and it wont be just about that part of my life, i will still post about my struggles and everything but i will also add other things that are happening in my life. it will be more cheerful and all of that jazz so hopefully you stick around, i mean if you've stuck around for a year with no activity happening on this blog im sure a bit of a change wont matter to much to you.
Recovery update
Well over the past year i feel i have made huge progress in my recovery from depression and self harm and would even go as far as saying i think i am going to be okay from here on out. it was rough i am not telling you stopping was easy that changing the things i was doing was easy it was difficult, but after realizing my parents did care, that my friends cared, that people loved me helped me the most having that support there is what got me through. I'm also not saying i don't have bad days anymore because trust me i do but they no longer control me. The "voices" aren't there anymore and i am strong enough to put down the blade and step away from the toilet bowl. I am about 8 months clean of self harm.
Changes in my life.
Not a lot has changed in my life i am still living with my parents, still working at burger king and still wish i could be doing more. the most significant changes in my life are...
about a month after my last post to this blog my best friend / guy i had a major crush on and had liked for about 5 years finally asked me out and we have now been going out just over a year and yes im going to say it he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me he saved me without even realizing it. most people will say that you need to love yourself before someone else loves you, but he has made me see that i am lovable that im more then what i was seeing in the mirror.
And the other most significant thing is that i have found a hobby that i love and its taking pictures. photography now consumes my days off. i love taking pictures of everything. and have even been able to make some extra cash taking pictures of my friends and there family's and have even done a couple of weddings i think finding a hobby is crucial in recovery it gives you something else to focus on something to distract yourself with and i am most happy after a day out taking pictures.
Past and future
the past year i have mostly been focusing on recovery and just building up my strength and finding out what works for me and slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be living with this for the rest of my life but also understanding it doesn't have to control me.
I am not too sure on what my future holds, i am currently looking for a new job and am hoping to move out with my boyfriend and some friends by the end of the year, even though i get a lot of people telling me to make a career out of my photography i think im going to keep it as a hobby as i feel like making it a career would take away the fun and relaxing thing i enjoy most about it.
I promise to write on here at least once a week about one thing or another, feel free to ask questions about anything and everything. :) loveees Sammy.
to be honest i totally forgot about this blog. its been a good year since i posted here, i debated if i should just delete this one and start afresh or keep it as a reminder of how bad i got and how far i have come in just one short year. this blog will be changing a lot. it wont be as dark or as depressing and it wont be just about that part of my life, i will still post about my struggles and everything but i will also add other things that are happening in my life. it will be more cheerful and all of that jazz so hopefully you stick around, i mean if you've stuck around for a year with no activity happening on this blog im sure a bit of a change wont matter to much to you.
Recovery update
Well over the past year i feel i have made huge progress in my recovery from depression and self harm and would even go as far as saying i think i am going to be okay from here on out. it was rough i am not telling you stopping was easy that changing the things i was doing was easy it was difficult, but after realizing my parents did care, that my friends cared, that people loved me helped me the most having that support there is what got me through. I'm also not saying i don't have bad days anymore because trust me i do but they no longer control me. The "voices" aren't there anymore and i am strong enough to put down the blade and step away from the toilet bowl. I am about 8 months clean of self harm.
Changes in my life.
Not a lot has changed in my life i am still living with my parents, still working at burger king and still wish i could be doing more. the most significant changes in my life are...
about a month after my last post to this blog my best friend / guy i had a major crush on and had liked for about 5 years finally asked me out and we have now been going out just over a year and yes im going to say it he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me he saved me without even realizing it. most people will say that you need to love yourself before someone else loves you, but he has made me see that i am lovable that im more then what i was seeing in the mirror.
And the other most significant thing is that i have found a hobby that i love and its taking pictures. photography now consumes my days off. i love taking pictures of everything. and have even been able to make some extra cash taking pictures of my friends and there family's and have even done a couple of weddings i think finding a hobby is crucial in recovery it gives you something else to focus on something to distract yourself with and i am most happy after a day out taking pictures.
Past and future
the past year i have mostly been focusing on recovery and just building up my strength and finding out what works for me and slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be living with this for the rest of my life but also understanding it doesn't have to control me.
I am not too sure on what my future holds, i am currently looking for a new job and am hoping to move out with my boyfriend and some friends by the end of the year, even though i get a lot of people telling me to make a career out of my photography i think im going to keep it as a hobby as i feel like making it a career would take away the fun and relaxing thing i enjoy most about it.
I promise to write on here at least once a week about one thing or another, feel free to ask questions about anything and everything. :) loveees Sammy.
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