I used to write

I used to write about everything that made me sad. I used to write every darn day about something that was wrong with me, I wrote about all the bad things that went through my head. Like i was to fat to be eating, that I needed to throw up the salad I just ate, that i wasnt good enough and that no body loved me ,that maybe just push a little harder with the blade next time and it could all be over. I spent years suffering in silence. I made so many scars all over my body that I have to look at every day and remember what I did. And I'm not going to lie it hurts, it hurts knowing I spent 5 or so years trying to destroy myself. It hurts that for some stupid reason I found it impossible to tell someone what I was doing. Even to this day I can not bring myself to tell my parents how bad my depression was. But I don't write anymore, and I think it's a good thing because although I may be sad about the years lost to my mental illness. I'm not the same kind of sad that I was. I'm not trying to destroy myself. I'm learning to live and slowly learning to love who I am. And that's okay.

Tempted.

There is a blade, a shiny brand new glistening blade sitting on the kitchen bench. It is amazing how just seing one seing that old comfort can trigger me so much. For the past three days since i spotted it i have been craving to feel that old feeling of relief and peace wash over me. Its been a rough start to my 23rd year of life i feel usless and not good enough, that i should have acomplished more with my life. 

5th Birthday partys, Minion cakes and turning twenty three

To be honest i don't really know what to write about today.
when i was younger i had planed out my entire life at seventeen i studied childcare, and my plan was to get a job nannying overseas travel the world and see everything i felt i needed to until i was twenty-three, but after my studies finished and i moved back home i feel into a deep depression i was suffering from depression before this but it got a lot worse once i moved back home, for three years i stayed in bed until the early hours of the afternoon before my mother got home from work i would get up and tidy the house, and i would lie about how my job hunt was going because that was the last thing i wanted to do, i didn't want to wake up let alone go to work. I would starve myself until i binged and ate everything, then i would punish myself by either purging or slicing my skin, i was sick i was in my own little hell that i could not see a way out of i managed to keep my depression and self destruction habits a secret for a long time, even now my family does not know everything i was doing, for a long time there was only one person who i trusted enough to talk to and she was the one who pushed me to recover, she gave me an option, her friendship or my self destructive habits because she could not watch me go through it any longer she could not watch from the sidelines as i was slowly killing myself, i owe her my life and i will forever be great-full to her for helping me wake up and see what i was doing to myself.
I am twenty three today, and my life is nothing like i pictured it would be and today's been hard, my thoughts are all regrets i wanted so much more for my life by now but because i was sucked into depression i feel as though i have wasted a huge portion of my life that i will never get back. although im back on track and mostly recovered now i feel like im running out of time. because the truth is life is short, and it does go by in the blink of an eye. so from here on out im going to live my life to the fullest, im going to have fun everyday im going to make sure i do stuff spontaneously and live to make up for 10 years lost to depression. 10 years i will never get back.

what i have been up to.

This weekend i have a birthday dinner with my best friend, boyfriend and family, it was so much fun and i really enjoyed myself and i also got a minion cake! (im obsessed okay).  Sunday my niece  had a 5th frozen themed birthday party and i got to take some pictures! it was so fun and so awesome to see her with all her little friends from preschool, i can tell her mum is going to be in for a rough time with her once shes hits her teens haha.

Jelly

Cookied

My beautiful niece Dancing

Dancing again!!

Minion cake my bestie made me :D

Myself and the boyfriend

Present from the boyfriend

present from the best friend!

Weekly overview.

This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.

my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.

here are some pictures from during the week

Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing) 

Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.

I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)

keep breaking free xoxo Sammy

You are no longer the first thing on my mind.

One of my biggest triggers is my father. he means everything to me and he was the one person i craved approval from. Even now i still hate upsetting him but i am learning to live my life for me and if that makes some people unhappy then they do not deserve to be in my life.

Fights with my Father was the most common thing to set me off after an argument i would go off into my room (normally storming off) shut the door and pull out my razor. over the past eight months that razor has been the first thing i have thought about after ever argument every disappointed look. And i would have to calm myself down i still go to my room i still cry but i don't dig out my razor i pace my room until i have calmed down enough to know i am not going to do anything stupid. i tried going for a drive but i found in my angry/upset state i would speed and not slow down around corners so i promised myself to never get behind the wheel again if i was upset or angry. 

Yesterday after a rather heated argument with my father pulling out that razor was not the first thing to come to mind the first thing that came to mind was music "just turn it up you'll be fine". i stuck my head phones on turned the volume up and drowned out my thoughts. it wasn't until after i had calmed down and taken off my head phones to go get a drink of water that i realized that i hadn't even thought about slicing my skin. 

I was grinning from ear to ear this is huge, to not want to hurt myself after something goes wrong. 

to not want to hurt myself over someone else's harsh words.

In other news.

My birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks, i dread birthdays i hate getting older, i don't want to get older, i do plan to go out to dinner with my family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I am only turning twenty three so its not a big deal birthday but i am looking forward to it, i am well past the whole "lets get drunk" and ready for a nice semi quiet night. i must be getting old :) 

Also lately i have been day dreaming of getting married and having kids and that whole chapter of life, my boyfriend thinks we are to young and wants to wait but i don't know i have been wanting a baby for a long time now and want one soon after all with my pcos the younger the better. but first i need to get down to a healthy weight so i can have the best chance and the healthiest pregnancy possible. that is another thing this blog will be used for :) im giving myself a year to lose 20-30kg. and will talk to the boyfriend about trying for a baby as a reward :)

anyway lovelies im of to tumblr for a bit until the boy finishes work then im off to bed so goodnight! 

keep breaking free and i will post again soon xoxo

“For a long time I wasn’t 
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I 
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”

Living.

Today was so awesome yet so basic.
Myself and my sister went to the beach it was about 45min away and the drive out into the country side was just so nice and the sun was shining and the beach was so beautiful even though its coming into winter and the water was freezing just walking along the beach taking pictures was so relaxing. One thing you all have to do if your are in recovery is get outside and enjoy what the world has to offer. Life is so beautiful there is so much to see and do live a little :) explore that park down the road, climb the hill and watch the sunset you wont regret it i promise.
some pictures from today

\

first time to see a jellyfish up close :)

So my lovelies if your struggling today take a walk! just go outside and breath in the fresh air instagram me you pictures of where you walk to #sami33ee :) id love to see them 

Its been awhile.

Hey guys! (if your still out there)
to be honest i totally forgot about this blog. its been a good year since i posted here, i debated if i should just delete this one and start afresh or keep it as a reminder of how bad i got and how far i have come in just one short year. this blog will be changing a lot. it wont be as dark or as depressing and it wont be just about that part of my life, i will still post about my struggles and everything but i will also add other things that are happening in my life. it will be more cheerful and all of that jazz so hopefully you stick around, i mean if you've stuck around for a year with no activity happening on this blog im sure a bit of a change wont matter to much to you.

Recovery update
Well over the past year i feel i have made huge progress in my recovery from depression and self harm and would even go as far as saying i think i am going to be okay from here on out. it was rough i am not telling you stopping was easy that changing the things i was doing was easy it was difficult, but after realizing my parents did care, that my friends cared, that people loved me helped me the most having that support there is what got me through. I'm also not saying i don't have bad days anymore because trust me i do but they no longer control me. The "voices" aren't there anymore and i am strong enough to put down the blade and step away from the toilet bowl. I am about 8 months clean of self harm.

Changes in my life. 
Not a lot has changed in my life i am still living with my parents, still working at burger king and still wish i could be doing more. the most significant changes in my life are...
about a month after my last post to this blog my best friend / guy i had a major crush on and had liked for about 5 years finally asked me out and we have now been going out just over a year and yes im going to say it he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me he saved me without even realizing it. most people will say that you need to love yourself before someone else loves you, but he has made me see that i am lovable that im more then what i was seeing in the mirror.
And the other most significant thing is that i have found a hobby that i love and its taking pictures. photography now consumes my days off. i love taking pictures of everything. and have even been able to make some extra cash taking pictures of my friends and there family's and have even done a couple of weddings i think finding a hobby is crucial in recovery it gives you something else to focus on something to distract yourself with and i am most happy after a day out taking pictures.

Past and future
the past year i have mostly been focusing on recovery and just building up my strength and finding out what works for me and slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be living with this for the rest of my life but also understanding it doesn't have to control me.
I am not too sure on what my future holds, i am currently looking for a new job and am hoping to move out with my boyfriend and some friends by the end of the year, even though i get a lot of people telling me to make a career out of my photography i think im going to keep it as a hobby as i feel like making it a career would take away the fun and relaxing thing i enjoy most about it.

I promise to write on here at least once a week about one thing or another, feel free to ask questions about anything and everything. :) loveees Sammy.

18/12/12

Diary Entry.

The worst feeling in the world..
When your at your worst, tired exhausted and literally about to give up, your about to drag that blade across your wrist, down that bottle of pills or put that gun to your head. and your serious when you say it cant get any worse then this. but you pull yourself up because you don't want to hurt those you love, you don't want them to ever feel the way you do at this very moment. So you stay and you hold on for yet another day because you cant bare the thought of causing them so much misery, So you suffer the pain day in and day out for the people you love.
Suddenly day by day you realise your loved ones aren't speaking to you, they have stopped being there for you because they cant see you go through this anymore.
your phone stops ringing, it doesn't beep anymore, there is not one notification on your Facebook and not one explanation to go along with it.
Its been months since anyone's said a word to you and now your truly and utterly alone and the hurt and heartbreak is one million times worse then it was before, and you wonder why you held on for so long, what was the point of it all and as a tears roll down our cheek and the blood drips from your arms you realize.
It got worse.

Why.

You can write for hours but you still cant escape the mess that's inside your head. 
its like a maze of thoughts and voices that never stop running. you try everything for just a minute of peace but nothings working anymore, 
You are slowly losing your mind while your watching everyone you grew up with start lives of there own, Marriage, babies, travel everything you want but everything you cant have, everything that's just out of your reach. 
Because you live in a world where just breathing feels like a nine to five desk job and why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning.

living with depression is like living with a cloud over your head that could shoot down hail at any time any place any where, its a ticking time bomb and you never know when its going to explode.
you have alot more bad days then you do good and sometimes you might not get a good day for weeks at  time but those good days keep you sane they make you strong enough for another fight but every round is getting stronger darker longer and more powerful sometimes i wonder how long im going to last how much longer i can hold on to the side of the cage.

as i sit here writing these four walls around me make me feel sick, i feel trapped in this hell i call home, never moving never changing stuck in the same town, everyones moved on but im here stuck in this ever lasting nightmare of blood and bones