I used to write

I used to write about everything that made me sad. I used to write every darn day about something that was wrong with me, I wrote about all the bad things that went through my head. Like i was to fat to be eating, that I needed to throw up the salad I just ate, that i wasnt good enough and that no body loved me ,that maybe just push a little harder with the blade next time and it could all be over. I spent years suffering in silence. I made so many scars all over my body that I have to look at every day and remember what I did. And I'm not going to lie it hurts, it hurts knowing I spent 5 or so years trying to destroy myself. It hurts that for some stupid reason I found it impossible to tell someone what I was doing. Even to this day I can not bring myself to tell my parents how bad my depression was. But I don't write anymore, and I think it's a good thing because although I may be sad about the years lost to my mental illness. I'm not the same kind of sad that I was. I'm not trying to destroy myself. I'm learning to live and slowly learning to love who I am. And that's okay.

Body of multiple invisible illness

The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :

major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.

The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.

Moving out and Growing up

Its scary isn't it the way time just fly's by and how quickly the day goes by.
ive been thinking a lot about my life and my plan for life. i have two huge dreams, to travel and to have children. I want to travel the world and explore and have fun but my infertility issues have made a child a priority first. i know i can travel when im older and even with a child if we can save up enough. i want to travel Europe mostly, but after watching Louis Cole (funforlouis) on YouTube i want to see so much more. but im scared it will never happen. But our dream of a family needs to happen first.

in other news myself and my partner have decide to move out of our flatting situation and go out on our own. itll be tough financially but i think for my mental state and our relationship its needed im excited to have our own house and be able to keep it clean and organised and decorate it how ever i please. and to get into a routine and actually have decent meals and have my own space.

im excited and scared for our future but im sure we will make it and figure it all out along the way :D

Learning About PCOS.

I have been diagnosed since 2011, but in all honesty i think i have been in denial for a long time and i think i am finally starting to realize if i want to be a success story i need to change, i need to change my diet, i need to change my lifestyle for the better.

i have only recently started researching PCOS, when i was diagnosed i was told to lose weight, given metformin and i was sent on my way, i was 19 years old and deep into depression. at the time i didn't care i didn't see myself living past 22 anyway. Since ive received help for my depression its kind of been the last thing on my mind i felt like my mental heath was the most important thing. so a again didn't worry about it.

I am now 23 and still barely know anything about my syndrome, so 2015 will be the year i learn alot i will learn everything there is to know about PCOS, I will do everything in my power to become a success story :)

my day today has been an active one. i woke up at 6am to go fishing with my dad we caught 11 snapper and dredged for scallops and got 36!! later on in the day my mum and sister brought my niece and nephew down for a go in the boat and to play on the beach. i manged to get some awesome shots and have decided i need a go pro as my big fancy camera is to big and im petrified of breaking it somehow. 

I also meet up with a girl who contacted me on tumblr who also has PCOS, and by god she is so inspirational its crazy we had an instant connection. and the fact we happened to be in the same town was awesome. it was nice to talk to someone who gets it you know? like i find i cant talk to my friends about PCOS cause they don't know about it. they dot know what we go through. This Girl im going t call her T helped more in an hour then what my doctors have in four years. She has also inspired me about cooking and how eating low GI isn't all that hard and we can still have yummy foods. So im setting yet another goal! Once a week i will cook something totally new. and the recipes will be altered so they are low GI she even gave me a recipe magazine that has like 10-15 recipes i want to try already :D im so excited for this year. 

xoxo till another day!

My future

HEY GUYS!
so i've been mia for a few weeks i have been in a slump, i have been pretty stressed and basically i didn't have anything much to say.

It has been haunting me a lot lately as to what to do with my life, what my future holds ect, i joke around with my friends about us starting up a YouTube channel and every one is like yeah! its a really good idea lets do it, but we actually haven't even planned anything ect, and to be honest even tho it would be awesome i highly doubt we would make any money off it. so i have decided to apply to university, I have requested two packs, Education and Visual Arts, I do not know which one i am going to study yet, maybe both i am not sure, i am also not telling anyone except my best friend because i tend to get my hopes up over things and then they don't happen so no ones going to know until i am in and the move and everything is organised :)


UPDATES!

I dyed my hair pink! (which has now gone a gross yellowy color must fix that)

me my boyfriend and our friend went on a mini road trip to visit some friends

this random skate shop was in the middle of no where so we stopped to have a look

our night consisted of tons of alcohol and feeling like crap the next day.

but the puppies and the market made it all better :D

And here is something i found on tumblr that i think if your having a bad day/week/year or whatever and you dont see a way out you NEED to read this. 

1. Don’t shut down. You have to feel pain because once you turn it off, you can’t get it back. And then you’re left prying open your veins and breaking your bones, drowning in vodka, choking on pills, bleeding out, swallowing cigarettes, fucking boys who rip your heart out of your chest and slam it against the wall and then smile at you like you’re the prettiest thing in the room. It turns out that feeling nothing feels worse than anything else.

2. Cut him out of your life. It doesn’t matter how many times he called you beautiful and told you he loved you. I know he was a sweet guy but he’s not the same person anymore. He hurt you. He doesn’t deserve to occupy a thought in your head let alone drown you in your own tears. I know you loved him. Maybe you always will. But if you want to stay alive, you’ve got to let him go. Delete your old texts with him because baby I swear to god you will read over all the “I love you’s” and “baby girl’s” and you will crack your ribs with them.

3. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If you want to sit on your bedroom floor with your head buried in your knees, tears spilling out of your eyes and filling the room up to your waist, do it. It doesn’t make you weak. You could never be weak. You’re alive and that’s the hardest thing to be. I’m so proud of you. Always.

4. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. When you’re at a party and you’re sitting next to a boy who’s words are dripping with cheap alcohol and he’s grabbing your thigh and spitting liquor down your neck in sloppy kisses, push him off you. You don’t owe him anything. You’re not being mean or hurting his feelings. If you’re not okay, leave.

5. Don’t hurt yourself. If you think you feel shitty now, imagine how terrible you’re going to feel when you accidentally cut too deep and you feel your life spilling out of your wrists. I know you want to get rid of him and the heartbreak he left behind. I know you want to get rid of the numbness and the headaches and the shaky hands. I know you want to get rid of the pain. But when you’re lighting your skin on fire or tearing into your veins, you’ve got pain spilling out of your bones. But you’re dripping everything good too. You’ve got a tangle of outer space inside of you and you can’t lose the darkness between the stars without losing the stars too.

6. Save yourself first. I know you’re in love with a pretty boy who writes you poetry and slits your wrists. I know he falls asleep crying. But so do you. I know he’s your world. I know you’re in love. But you can’t be up at four in the morning talking him out of suicide when you’ve got six tests the next day. You can’t stop him from ripping his heart out when you’re still trying to figure out how to get yours beating again. You can’t save him. You’ve just got to love him with all you’ve got. You have to love yourself too.

7. Terminate toxic relationships. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to be self-preserving for once in your fucking life. When your best friend kisses the boy you would die for, stop sleeping on her floor when she calls you crying because she got her heart broken by a boy who’s name she couldn’t remember. When your father kicks you out of the house and tells you he wants you gone, stay gone. When your boyfriend comments on how much you’ve been eating and makes you feel guilty for feeling the world, delete his number. You don’t need people dragging you down. You don’t need anybody poising you. You’ve got enough pain already.

8. It gets better. I know right now you’re on the verge of killing yourself. You’re on the edge and you’re waiting for the fall. But there’s nothing good at the bottom, just a lot of broken bones and blood and sore throats. I know how much you want to die and I know how hard it is to stay but you have to. Because one day you’re going to wake up smiling. You’re going to fall in love and your heart will stay whole. You’re going to travel and swim in the ocean and you’re not going to pray that you drown. You’re going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and feel free instead of hoping you crash. You’re going to be alright.

”

Love Sammy! xoxo stay strong my loves 

Random pictures.

I dont really know what to talk about today so im just going to post a few photos from the past few weeks.

The cute church me and my bestie rach found on out photo adventure day

Another photo from our photo adventure day.

i got a new haircut ! this is the shortest i have EVER had my hair so its taking a bit to get used too.

My little rabbit turned 5 this past week! and started school. :( they grow up way to fast.

i dont know why im adding this in i guess cause it can be used from both my weightloss journey and my recovery.

And last but not least my bestie left to start her new life, i miss her already :( 

This weeks been rough and i havnt been able to get the strength to o anything even my job is suffering i really need to get out of this funk. somehow. 

Tempted.

There is a blade, a shiny brand new glistening blade sitting on the kitchen bench. It is amazing how just seing one seing that old comfort can trigger me so much. For the past three days since i spotted it i have been craving to feel that old feeling of relief and peace wash over me. Its been a rough start to my 23rd year of life i feel usless and not good enough, that i should have acomplished more with my life. 

5th Birthday partys, Minion cakes and turning twenty three

To be honest i don't really know what to write about today.
when i was younger i had planed out my entire life at seventeen i studied childcare, and my plan was to get a job nannying overseas travel the world and see everything i felt i needed to until i was twenty-three, but after my studies finished and i moved back home i feel into a deep depression i was suffering from depression before this but it got a lot worse once i moved back home, for three years i stayed in bed until the early hours of the afternoon before my mother got home from work i would get up and tidy the house, and i would lie about how my job hunt was going because that was the last thing i wanted to do, i didn't want to wake up let alone go to work. I would starve myself until i binged and ate everything, then i would punish myself by either purging or slicing my skin, i was sick i was in my own little hell that i could not see a way out of i managed to keep my depression and self destruction habits a secret for a long time, even now my family does not know everything i was doing, for a long time there was only one person who i trusted enough to talk to and she was the one who pushed me to recover, she gave me an option, her friendship or my self destructive habits because she could not watch me go through it any longer she could not watch from the sidelines as i was slowly killing myself, i owe her my life and i will forever be great-full to her for helping me wake up and see what i was doing to myself.
I am twenty three today, and my life is nothing like i pictured it would be and today's been hard, my thoughts are all regrets i wanted so much more for my life by now but because i was sucked into depression i feel as though i have wasted a huge portion of my life that i will never get back. although im back on track and mostly recovered now i feel like im running out of time. because the truth is life is short, and it does go by in the blink of an eye. so from here on out im going to live my life to the fullest, im going to have fun everyday im going to make sure i do stuff spontaneously and live to make up for 10 years lost to depression. 10 years i will never get back.

what i have been up to.

This weekend i have a birthday dinner with my best friend, boyfriend and family, it was so much fun and i really enjoyed myself and i also got a minion cake! (im obsessed okay).  Sunday my niece  had a 5th frozen themed birthday party and i got to take some pictures! it was so fun and so awesome to see her with all her little friends from preschool, i can tell her mum is going to be in for a rough time with her once shes hits her teens haha.

Jelly

Cookied

My beautiful niece Dancing

Dancing again!!

Minion cake my bestie made me :D

Myself and the boyfriend

Present from the boyfriend

present from the best friend!

Weekly overview.

This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.

my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.

here are some pictures from during the week

Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing) 

Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.

I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)

keep breaking free xoxo Sammy

You are no longer the first thing on my mind.

One of my biggest triggers is my father. he means everything to me and he was the one person i craved approval from. Even now i still hate upsetting him but i am learning to live my life for me and if that makes some people unhappy then they do not deserve to be in my life.

Fights with my Father was the most common thing to set me off after an argument i would go off into my room (normally storming off) shut the door and pull out my razor. over the past eight months that razor has been the first thing i have thought about after ever argument every disappointed look. And i would have to calm myself down i still go to my room i still cry but i don't dig out my razor i pace my room until i have calmed down enough to know i am not going to do anything stupid. i tried going for a drive but i found in my angry/upset state i would speed and not slow down around corners so i promised myself to never get behind the wheel again if i was upset or angry. 

Yesterday after a rather heated argument with my father pulling out that razor was not the first thing to come to mind the first thing that came to mind was music "just turn it up you'll be fine". i stuck my head phones on turned the volume up and drowned out my thoughts. it wasn't until after i had calmed down and taken off my head phones to go get a drink of water that i realized that i hadn't even thought about slicing my skin. 

I was grinning from ear to ear this is huge, to not want to hurt myself after something goes wrong. 

to not want to hurt myself over someone else's harsh words.

In other news.

My birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks, i dread birthdays i hate getting older, i don't want to get older, i do plan to go out to dinner with my family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I am only turning twenty three so its not a big deal birthday but i am looking forward to it, i am well past the whole "lets get drunk" and ready for a nice semi quiet night. i must be getting old :) 

Also lately i have been day dreaming of getting married and having kids and that whole chapter of life, my boyfriend thinks we are to young and wants to wait but i don't know i have been wanting a baby for a long time now and want one soon after all with my pcos the younger the better. but first i need to get down to a healthy weight so i can have the best chance and the healthiest pregnancy possible. that is another thing this blog will be used for :) im giving myself a year to lose 20-30kg. and will talk to the boyfriend about trying for a baby as a reward :)

anyway lovelies im of to tumblr for a bit until the boy finishes work then im off to bed so goodnight! 

keep breaking free and i will post again soon xoxo

“For a long time I wasn’t 
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I 
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”

Its been awhile.

Hey guys! (if your still out there)
to be honest i totally forgot about this blog. its been a good year since i posted here, i debated if i should just delete this one and start afresh or keep it as a reminder of how bad i got and how far i have come in just one short year. this blog will be changing a lot. it wont be as dark or as depressing and it wont be just about that part of my life, i will still post about my struggles and everything but i will also add other things that are happening in my life. it will be more cheerful and all of that jazz so hopefully you stick around, i mean if you've stuck around for a year with no activity happening on this blog im sure a bit of a change wont matter to much to you.

Recovery update
Well over the past year i feel i have made huge progress in my recovery from depression and self harm and would even go as far as saying i think i am going to be okay from here on out. it was rough i am not telling you stopping was easy that changing the things i was doing was easy it was difficult, but after realizing my parents did care, that my friends cared, that people loved me helped me the most having that support there is what got me through. I'm also not saying i don't have bad days anymore because trust me i do but they no longer control me. The "voices" aren't there anymore and i am strong enough to put down the blade and step away from the toilet bowl. I am about 8 months clean of self harm.

Changes in my life. 
Not a lot has changed in my life i am still living with my parents, still working at burger king and still wish i could be doing more. the most significant changes in my life are...
about a month after my last post to this blog my best friend / guy i had a major crush on and had liked for about 5 years finally asked me out and we have now been going out just over a year and yes im going to say it he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me he saved me without even realizing it. most people will say that you need to love yourself before someone else loves you, but he has made me see that i am lovable that im more then what i was seeing in the mirror.
And the other most significant thing is that i have found a hobby that i love and its taking pictures. photography now consumes my days off. i love taking pictures of everything. and have even been able to make some extra cash taking pictures of my friends and there family's and have even done a couple of weddings i think finding a hobby is crucial in recovery it gives you something else to focus on something to distract yourself with and i am most happy after a day out taking pictures.

Past and future
the past year i have mostly been focusing on recovery and just building up my strength and finding out what works for me and slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be living with this for the rest of my life but also understanding it doesn't have to control me.
I am not too sure on what my future holds, i am currently looking for a new job and am hoping to move out with my boyfriend and some friends by the end of the year, even though i get a lot of people telling me to make a career out of my photography i think im going to keep it as a hobby as i feel like making it a career would take away the fun and relaxing thing i enjoy most about it.

I promise to write on here at least once a week about one thing or another, feel free to ask questions about anything and everything. :) loveees Sammy.

Its hell when no one truly cares you can tell people over and over again that you need help that you cant live like this anymore, i told my parents over a year ago... A year ago they told me to not take the meds they didn't like the thought of there perfect straight a daughter being on happy pills "we will find another way" they said.. A day later nothing .. A week later .. Nothing a year later nothing its worse now then it was then and they can see im struggling ive stopped going out i dont talk to
My friends i barely talk to them but they dont fucking care they dont say a word
Im far from perfect i need help but them shoving it under a rug is in a way telling me im not important that this doesn't matter they dont want to know im cutting myself to shreds do thy realize that all i want to do is press that razor down harder just a little bit harder and then it would all go away it would all stop maybe id be happy then.

18/12/12

Diary Entry.

The worst feeling in the world..
When your at your worst, tired exhausted and literally about to give up, your about to drag that blade across your wrist, down that bottle of pills or put that gun to your head. and your serious when you say it cant get any worse then this. but you pull yourself up because you don't want to hurt those you love, you don't want them to ever feel the way you do at this very moment. So you stay and you hold on for yet another day because you cant bare the thought of causing them so much misery, So you suffer the pain day in and day out for the people you love.
Suddenly day by day you realise your loved ones aren't speaking to you, they have stopped being there for you because they cant see you go through this anymore.
your phone stops ringing, it doesn't beep anymore, there is not one notification on your Facebook and not one explanation to go along with it.
Its been months since anyone's said a word to you and now your truly and utterly alone and the hurt and heartbreak is one million times worse then it was before, and you wonder why you held on for so long, what was the point of it all and as a tears roll down our cheek and the blood drips from your arms you realize.
It got worse.

Why.

You can write for hours but you still cant escape the mess that's inside your head. 
its like a maze of thoughts and voices that never stop running. you try everything for just a minute of peace but nothings working anymore, 
You are slowly losing your mind while your watching everyone you grew up with start lives of there own, Marriage, babies, travel everything you want but everything you cant have, everything that's just out of your reach. 
Because you live in a world where just breathing feels like a nine to five desk job and why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning.

Falling apart

How can someone just stop talking stop caring as if you never knew each other, how can someone do that to another person. How do u get through knowing you are completely alone and no one would care if you just disappeared. What do u do when all your friends and i mean every single one of them have stopped talking to you an you have no one to talk to no one to understand how your feeling and that you dont see a way out of this. What do u do when u cant hold on anymore.

I used to get asked all the time when my friends mums found out i was on medication for depression there exact words where "what do you have to be depressed about" which always made me feel worse, because there is no underlying issue as to why i have depression, i wasnt raped or abused, i was hardly even bullied in school, my parents are still together hell compared to some people i had the perfect life. but i was still depressed. and now that im older ive realized you don't need a reason to be depressed because depression isnt a choice, you dont one day wake up and say to yourself im going to be depressed today. thats not how depression works. no one has any control over this illness no one has a choice as to weather the develop depression, and i think the sooner people realise this the better it will be for everyone suffering it would be easier to speak out if we are struggling.

living with depression is like living with a cloud over your head that could shoot down hail at any time any place any where, its a ticking time bomb and you never know when its going to explode.
you have alot more bad days then you do good and sometimes you might not get a good day for weeks at  time but those good days keep you sane they make you strong enough for another fight but every round is getting stronger darker longer and more powerful sometimes i wonder how long im going to last how much longer i can hold on to the side of the cage.

as i sit here writing these four walls around me make me feel sick, i feel trapped in this hell i call home, never moving never changing stuck in the same town, everyones moved on but im here stuck in this ever lasting nightmare of blood and bones 

Ive made this wall around my entire being not to keep people out but to keep myself in, to lock away all the evil inside myself to protect everyone that comes in and out of my life, 
Its a sheltered life but this way the demons only hurt me not those i love. And although its a dark place its safest for everyone.