Body of multiple invisible illness

The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :

major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.

The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.

My future

HEY GUYS!
so i've been mia for a few weeks i have been in a slump, i have been pretty stressed and basically i didn't have anything much to say.

It has been haunting me a lot lately as to what to do with my life, what my future holds ect, i joke around with my friends about us starting up a YouTube channel and every one is like yeah! its a really good idea lets do it, but we actually haven't even planned anything ect, and to be honest even tho it would be awesome i highly doubt we would make any money off it. so i have decided to apply to university, I have requested two packs, Education and Visual Arts, I do not know which one i am going to study yet, maybe both i am not sure, i am also not telling anyone except my best friend because i tend to get my hopes up over things and then they don't happen so no ones going to know until i am in and the move and everything is organised :)


UPDATES!

I dyed my hair pink! (which has now gone a gross yellowy color must fix that)

me my boyfriend and our friend went on a mini road trip to visit some friends

this random skate shop was in the middle of no where so we stopped to have a look

our night consisted of tons of alcohol and feeling like crap the next day.

but the puppies and the market made it all better :D

And here is something i found on tumblr that i think if your having a bad day/week/year or whatever and you dont see a way out you NEED to read this. 

1. Don’t shut down. You have to feel pain because once you turn it off, you can’t get it back. And then you’re left prying open your veins and breaking your bones, drowning in vodka, choking on pills, bleeding out, swallowing cigarettes, fucking boys who rip your heart out of your chest and slam it against the wall and then smile at you like you’re the prettiest thing in the room. It turns out that feeling nothing feels worse than anything else.

2. Cut him out of your life. It doesn’t matter how many times he called you beautiful and told you he loved you. I know he was a sweet guy but he’s not the same person anymore. He hurt you. He doesn’t deserve to occupy a thought in your head let alone drown you in your own tears. I know you loved him. Maybe you always will. But if you want to stay alive, you’ve got to let him go. Delete your old texts with him because baby I swear to god you will read over all the “I love you’s” and “baby girl’s” and you will crack your ribs with them.

3. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If you want to sit on your bedroom floor with your head buried in your knees, tears spilling out of your eyes and filling the room up to your waist, do it. It doesn’t make you weak. You could never be weak. You’re alive and that’s the hardest thing to be. I’m so proud of you. Always.

4. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. When you’re at a party and you’re sitting next to a boy who’s words are dripping with cheap alcohol and he’s grabbing your thigh and spitting liquor down your neck in sloppy kisses, push him off you. You don’t owe him anything. You’re not being mean or hurting his feelings. If you’re not okay, leave.

5. Don’t hurt yourself. If you think you feel shitty now, imagine how terrible you’re going to feel when you accidentally cut too deep and you feel your life spilling out of your wrists. I know you want to get rid of him and the heartbreak he left behind. I know you want to get rid of the numbness and the headaches and the shaky hands. I know you want to get rid of the pain. But when you’re lighting your skin on fire or tearing into your veins, you’ve got pain spilling out of your bones. But you’re dripping everything good too. You’ve got a tangle of outer space inside of you and you can’t lose the darkness between the stars without losing the stars too.

6. Save yourself first. I know you’re in love with a pretty boy who writes you poetry and slits your wrists. I know he falls asleep crying. But so do you. I know he’s your world. I know you’re in love. But you can’t be up at four in the morning talking him out of suicide when you’ve got six tests the next day. You can’t stop him from ripping his heart out when you’re still trying to figure out how to get yours beating again. You can’t save him. You’ve just got to love him with all you’ve got. You have to love yourself too.

7. Terminate toxic relationships. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to be self-preserving for once in your fucking life. When your best friend kisses the boy you would die for, stop sleeping on her floor when she calls you crying because she got her heart broken by a boy who’s name she couldn’t remember. When your father kicks you out of the house and tells you he wants you gone, stay gone. When your boyfriend comments on how much you’ve been eating and makes you feel guilty for feeling the world, delete his number. You don’t need people dragging you down. You don’t need anybody poising you. You’ve got enough pain already.

8. It gets better. I know right now you’re on the verge of killing yourself. You’re on the edge and you’re waiting for the fall. But there’s nothing good at the bottom, just a lot of broken bones and blood and sore throats. I know how much you want to die and I know how hard it is to stay but you have to. Because one day you’re going to wake up smiling. You’re going to fall in love and your heart will stay whole. You’re going to travel and swim in the ocean and you’re not going to pray that you drown. You’re going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and feel free instead of hoping you crash. You’re going to be alright.

”

Love Sammy! xoxo stay strong my loves 

Random pictures.

I dont really know what to talk about today so im just going to post a few photos from the past few weeks.

The cute church me and my bestie rach found on out photo adventure day

Another photo from our photo adventure day.

i got a new haircut ! this is the shortest i have EVER had my hair so its taking a bit to get used too.

My little rabbit turned 5 this past week! and started school. :( they grow up way to fast.

i dont know why im adding this in i guess cause it can be used from both my weightloss journey and my recovery.

And last but not least my bestie left to start her new life, i miss her already :( 

This weeks been rough and i havnt been able to get the strength to o anything even my job is suffering i really need to get out of this funk. somehow. 

Tempted.

There is a blade, a shiny brand new glistening blade sitting on the kitchen bench. It is amazing how just seing one seing that old comfort can trigger me so much. For the past three days since i spotted it i have been craving to feel that old feeling of relief and peace wash over me. Its been a rough start to my 23rd year of life i feel usless and not good enough, that i should have acomplished more with my life.