I used to write

I used to write about everything that made me sad. I used to write every darn day about something that was wrong with me, I wrote about all the bad things that went through my head. Like i was to fat to be eating, that I needed to throw up the salad I just ate, that i wasnt good enough and that no body loved me ,that maybe just push a little harder with the blade next time and it could all be over. I spent years suffering in silence. I made so many scars all over my body that I have to look at every day and remember what I did. And I'm not going to lie it hurts, it hurts knowing I spent 5 or so years trying to destroy myself. It hurts that for some stupid reason I found it impossible to tell someone what I was doing. Even to this day I can not bring myself to tell my parents how bad my depression was. But I don't write anymore, and I think it's a good thing because although I may be sad about the years lost to my mental illness. I'm not the same kind of sad that I was. I'm not trying to destroy myself. I'm learning to live and slowly learning to love who I am. And that's okay.

It has been Awhile

It has been almost 6 months since i last posted! i don't know why i stopped, but its now 2015!! 
the last post i made was about e and my partner deciding to start trying for a baby. well we are still trying! no luck as of yet though. but AF made an appearance last month for the first time in a year so its a start even though nothing this month i am still hopeful things are at least trying to work in my body. 
my diet and stuff hasn't been the best i moved out of my parents a few months ago and in with a friend and Chris and honestly our eating has been so bad but its starting to get better. im excited for the new year i have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week which leads me onto my new years resolutions for the year! 

Number 1 is get debt free, i am not in a huge amount of debt i have my camera to pay off which will be in march. and i have around $400 on my credit card. so i know i can do it. 

Number 2 is get healthier, i want to lose at least 20kg to help my fertility and general well being. the only thing that could hinder this is if i get pregnant but i am fairly certain because i am a bigger girl anyway losing a little bit of weight whilst pregnant will actually be a good thing so i am feeling good about being able to lose 20kg by 2016!

Number 3 is save for a new car. basically i have a two door car and with wanting a family its obviously not big enough so id like to save for a new one and hopefully have a new one by 2016. 

Number 4 is either find a new job that i like or go into study photography. 

That is pretty much it but im also going to make a goal of posting on here once a week as well, my life isnt that exciting but im a young woman living with PCOS and attempting to have a family before its to late. and i want to document it. so you can follow if you wish. 

xoxo wishing you all a safe and happy new year. 

Trying for a baby.

So as you all know i have been wanting a baby for awhile now and i talked to my boyfriend about the possibility of trying sooner rather then later because of my pcos and he is all for the idea. And as of last week we have been trying. Im excited but scared all at the same time. I love my boyfriend and im 99% sure he is the one. And i really want a baby with him. We have already decided on a boys name but not a girls name. Im not even pregnant yet and were talking names. We also plan to move towns in the next six months. I am so excited to be starting the next chapter of our lives together. I will keep you all updated on everything ect :). 

Random pictures.

I dont really know what to talk about today so im just going to post a few photos from the past few weeks.

The cute church me and my bestie rach found on out photo adventure day

Another photo from our photo adventure day.

i got a new haircut ! this is the shortest i have EVER had my hair so its taking a bit to get used too.

My little rabbit turned 5 this past week! and started school. :( they grow up way to fast.

i dont know why im adding this in i guess cause it can be used from both my weightloss journey and my recovery.

And last but not least my bestie left to start her new life, i miss her already :( 

This weeks been rough and i havnt been able to get the strength to o anything even my job is suffering i really need to get out of this funk. somehow.