Body of multiple invisible illness

The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :

major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.

The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.

Learning About PCOS.

I have been diagnosed since 2011, but in all honesty i think i have been in denial for a long time and i think i am finally starting to realize if i want to be a success story i need to change, i need to change my diet, i need to change my lifestyle for the better.

i have only recently started researching PCOS, when i was diagnosed i was told to lose weight, given metformin and i was sent on my way, i was 19 years old and deep into depression. at the time i didn't care i didn't see myself living past 22 anyway. Since ive received help for my depression its kind of been the last thing on my mind i felt like my mental heath was the most important thing. so a again didn't worry about it.

I am now 23 and still barely know anything about my syndrome, so 2015 will be the year i learn alot i will learn everything there is to know about PCOS, I will do everything in my power to become a success story :)

my day today has been an active one. i woke up at 6am to go fishing with my dad we caught 11 snapper and dredged for scallops and got 36!! later on in the day my mum and sister brought my niece and nephew down for a go in the boat and to play on the beach. i manged to get some awesome shots and have decided i need a go pro as my big fancy camera is to big and im petrified of breaking it somehow. 

I also meet up with a girl who contacted me on tumblr who also has PCOS, and by god she is so inspirational its crazy we had an instant connection. and the fact we happened to be in the same town was awesome. it was nice to talk to someone who gets it you know? like i find i cant talk to my friends about PCOS cause they don't know about it. they dot know what we go through. This Girl im going t call her T helped more in an hour then what my doctors have in four years. She has also inspired me about cooking and how eating low GI isn't all that hard and we can still have yummy foods. So im setting yet another goal! Once a week i will cook something totally new. and the recipes will be altered so they are low GI she even gave me a recipe magazine that has like 10-15 recipes i want to try already :D im so excited for this year. 

xoxo till another day!

It has been Awhile

It has been almost 6 months since i last posted! i don't know why i stopped, but its now 2015!! 
the last post i made was about e and my partner deciding to start trying for a baby. well we are still trying! no luck as of yet though. but AF made an appearance last month for the first time in a year so its a start even though nothing this month i am still hopeful things are at least trying to work in my body. 
my diet and stuff hasn't been the best i moved out of my parents a few months ago and in with a friend and Chris and honestly our eating has been so bad but its starting to get better. im excited for the new year i have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week which leads me onto my new years resolutions for the year! 

Number 1 is get debt free, i am not in a huge amount of debt i have my camera to pay off which will be in march. and i have around $400 on my credit card. so i know i can do it. 

Number 2 is get healthier, i want to lose at least 20kg to help my fertility and general well being. the only thing that could hinder this is if i get pregnant but i am fairly certain because i am a bigger girl anyway losing a little bit of weight whilst pregnant will actually be a good thing so i am feeling good about being able to lose 20kg by 2016!

Number 3 is save for a new car. basically i have a two door car and with wanting a family its obviously not big enough so id like to save for a new one and hopefully have a new one by 2016. 

Number 4 is either find a new job that i like or go into study photography. 

That is pretty much it but im also going to make a goal of posting on here once a week as well, my life isnt that exciting but im a young woman living with PCOS and attempting to have a family before its to late. and i want to document it. so you can follow if you wish. 

xoxo wishing you all a safe and happy new year. 

Trying for a baby.

So as you all know i have been wanting a baby for awhile now and i talked to my boyfriend about the possibility of trying sooner rather then later because of my pcos and he is all for the idea. And as of last week we have been trying. Im excited but scared all at the same time. I love my boyfriend and im 99% sure he is the one. And i really want a baby with him. We have already decided on a boys name but not a girls name. Im not even pregnant yet and were talking names. We also plan to move towns in the next six months. I am so excited to be starting the next chapter of our lives together. I will keep you all updated on everything ect :). 

Living with PCOS

So i haven't mentioned this on here before. But i have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) basically i have cysts growing on my ovaries, with causes a lot of different problems, irregular periods, pain, infertility, and it also makes it a shit load harder to lose weight then just an average person, and teaming that with having a bad relationship with food in the first place make it even harder, and when you have been trying to lose weight for years and end up only getting bigger and bigger and the only way that ever worked was when you starved yourself it gets so fucking frustrating that you just give up and eat that chocolate bar because you feel like your never going to lose weight and yourve been trying do hard for the past month and nothings changed anyway so why even try.
But then you get this sharp twisting pain in your lower stomach and all the fear of not being able to ever have kids, the fear of maybe having to get you ovaries removed comes back and you know you need to lose weight for your health and your future.

Sorry having a hard time trying to lose weight and its just not working and i needed to rant.

Weekly overview.

This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.

my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.

here are some pictures from during the week

Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing) 

Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.

I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)

keep breaking free xoxo Sammy

You are no longer the first thing on my mind.

One of my biggest triggers is my father. he means everything to me and he was the one person i craved approval from. Even now i still hate upsetting him but i am learning to live my life for me and if that makes some people unhappy then they do not deserve to be in my life.

Fights with my Father was the most common thing to set me off after an argument i would go off into my room (normally storming off) shut the door and pull out my razor. over the past eight months that razor has been the first thing i have thought about after ever argument every disappointed look. And i would have to calm myself down i still go to my room i still cry but i don't dig out my razor i pace my room until i have calmed down enough to know i am not going to do anything stupid. i tried going for a drive but i found in my angry/upset state i would speed and not slow down around corners so i promised myself to never get behind the wheel again if i was upset or angry. 

Yesterday after a rather heated argument with my father pulling out that razor was not the first thing to come to mind the first thing that came to mind was music "just turn it up you'll be fine". i stuck my head phones on turned the volume up and drowned out my thoughts. it wasn't until after i had calmed down and taken off my head phones to go get a drink of water that i realized that i hadn't even thought about slicing my skin. 

I was grinning from ear to ear this is huge, to not want to hurt myself after something goes wrong. 

to not want to hurt myself over someone else's harsh words.

In other news.

My birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks, i dread birthdays i hate getting older, i don't want to get older, i do plan to go out to dinner with my family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I am only turning twenty three so its not a big deal birthday but i am looking forward to it, i am well past the whole "lets get drunk" and ready for a nice semi quiet night. i must be getting old :) 

Also lately i have been day dreaming of getting married and having kids and that whole chapter of life, my boyfriend thinks we are to young and wants to wait but i don't know i have been wanting a baby for a long time now and want one soon after all with my pcos the younger the better. but first i need to get down to a healthy weight so i can have the best chance and the healthiest pregnancy possible. that is another thing this blog will be used for :) im giving myself a year to lose 20-30kg. and will talk to the boyfriend about trying for a baby as a reward :)

anyway lovelies im of to tumblr for a bit until the boy finishes work then im off to bed so goodnight! 

keep breaking free and i will post again soon xoxo