I used to write

I used to write about everything that made me sad. I used to write every darn day about something that was wrong with me, I wrote about all the bad things that went through my head. Like i was to fat to be eating, that I needed to throw up the salad I just ate, that i wasnt good enough and that no body loved me ,that maybe just push a little harder with the blade next time and it could all be over. I spent years suffering in silence. I made so many scars all over my body that I have to look at every day and remember what I did. And I'm not going to lie it hurts, it hurts knowing I spent 5 or so years trying to destroy myself. It hurts that for some stupid reason I found it impossible to tell someone what I was doing. Even to this day I can not bring myself to tell my parents how bad my depression was. But I don't write anymore, and I think it's a good thing because although I may be sad about the years lost to my mental illness. I'm not the same kind of sad that I was. I'm not trying to destroy myself. I'm learning to live and slowly learning to love who I am. And that's okay.

Body of multiple invisible illness

The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :

major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.

The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.

My future

HEY GUYS!
so i've been mia for a few weeks i have been in a slump, i have been pretty stressed and basically i didn't have anything much to say.

It has been haunting me a lot lately as to what to do with my life, what my future holds ect, i joke around with my friends about us starting up a YouTube channel and every one is like yeah! its a really good idea lets do it, but we actually haven't even planned anything ect, and to be honest even tho it would be awesome i highly doubt we would make any money off it. so i have decided to apply to university, I have requested two packs, Education and Visual Arts, I do not know which one i am going to study yet, maybe both i am not sure, i am also not telling anyone except my best friend because i tend to get my hopes up over things and then they don't happen so no ones going to know until i am in and the move and everything is organised :)


UPDATES!

I dyed my hair pink! (which has now gone a gross yellowy color must fix that)

me my boyfriend and our friend went on a mini road trip to visit some friends

this random skate shop was in the middle of no where so we stopped to have a look

our night consisted of tons of alcohol and feeling like crap the next day.

but the puppies and the market made it all better :D

And here is something i found on tumblr that i think if your having a bad day/week/year or whatever and you dont see a way out you NEED to read this. 

1. Don’t shut down. You have to feel pain because once you turn it off, you can’t get it back. And then you’re left prying open your veins and breaking your bones, drowning in vodka, choking on pills, bleeding out, swallowing cigarettes, fucking boys who rip your heart out of your chest and slam it against the wall and then smile at you like you’re the prettiest thing in the room. It turns out that feeling nothing feels worse than anything else.

2. Cut him out of your life. It doesn’t matter how many times he called you beautiful and told you he loved you. I know he was a sweet guy but he’s not the same person anymore. He hurt you. He doesn’t deserve to occupy a thought in your head let alone drown you in your own tears. I know you loved him. Maybe you always will. But if you want to stay alive, you’ve got to let him go. Delete your old texts with him because baby I swear to god you will read over all the “I love you’s” and “baby girl’s” and you will crack your ribs with them.

3. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If you want to sit on your bedroom floor with your head buried in your knees, tears spilling out of your eyes and filling the room up to your waist, do it. It doesn’t make you weak. You could never be weak. You’re alive and that’s the hardest thing to be. I’m so proud of you. Always.

4. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. When you’re at a party and you’re sitting next to a boy who’s words are dripping with cheap alcohol and he’s grabbing your thigh and spitting liquor down your neck in sloppy kisses, push him off you. You don’t owe him anything. You’re not being mean or hurting his feelings. If you’re not okay, leave.

5. Don’t hurt yourself. If you think you feel shitty now, imagine how terrible you’re going to feel when you accidentally cut too deep and you feel your life spilling out of your wrists. I know you want to get rid of him and the heartbreak he left behind. I know you want to get rid of the numbness and the headaches and the shaky hands. I know you want to get rid of the pain. But when you’re lighting your skin on fire or tearing into your veins, you’ve got pain spilling out of your bones. But you’re dripping everything good too. You’ve got a tangle of outer space inside of you and you can’t lose the darkness between the stars without losing the stars too.

6. Save yourself first. I know you’re in love with a pretty boy who writes you poetry and slits your wrists. I know he falls asleep crying. But so do you. I know he’s your world. I know you’re in love. But you can’t be up at four in the morning talking him out of suicide when you’ve got six tests the next day. You can’t stop him from ripping his heart out when you’re still trying to figure out how to get yours beating again. You can’t save him. You’ve just got to love him with all you’ve got. You have to love yourself too.

7. Terminate toxic relationships. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You need to be self-preserving for once in your fucking life. When your best friend kisses the boy you would die for, stop sleeping on her floor when she calls you crying because she got her heart broken by a boy who’s name she couldn’t remember. When your father kicks you out of the house and tells you he wants you gone, stay gone. When your boyfriend comments on how much you’ve been eating and makes you feel guilty for feeling the world, delete his number. You don’t need people dragging you down. You don’t need anybody poising you. You’ve got enough pain already.

8. It gets better. I know right now you’re on the verge of killing yourself. You’re on the edge and you’re waiting for the fall. But there’s nothing good at the bottom, just a lot of broken bones and blood and sore throats. I know how much you want to die and I know how hard it is to stay but you have to. Because one day you’re going to wake up smiling. You’re going to fall in love and your heart will stay whole. You’re going to travel and swim in the ocean and you’re not going to pray that you drown. You’re going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and feel free instead of hoping you crash. You’re going to be alright.

”

Love Sammy! xoxo stay strong my loves 

Random pictures.

I dont really know what to talk about today so im just going to post a few photos from the past few weeks.

The cute church me and my bestie rach found on out photo adventure day

Another photo from our photo adventure day.

i got a new haircut ! this is the shortest i have EVER had my hair so its taking a bit to get used too.

My little rabbit turned 5 this past week! and started school. :( they grow up way to fast.

i dont know why im adding this in i guess cause it can be used from both my weightloss journey and my recovery.

And last but not least my bestie left to start her new life, i miss her already :( 

This weeks been rough and i havnt been able to get the strength to o anything even my job is suffering i really need to get out of this funk. somehow. 

5th Birthday partys, Minion cakes and turning twenty three

To be honest i don't really know what to write about today.
when i was younger i had planed out my entire life at seventeen i studied childcare, and my plan was to get a job nannying overseas travel the world and see everything i felt i needed to until i was twenty-three, but after my studies finished and i moved back home i feel into a deep depression i was suffering from depression before this but it got a lot worse once i moved back home, for three years i stayed in bed until the early hours of the afternoon before my mother got home from work i would get up and tidy the house, and i would lie about how my job hunt was going because that was the last thing i wanted to do, i didn't want to wake up let alone go to work. I would starve myself until i binged and ate everything, then i would punish myself by either purging or slicing my skin, i was sick i was in my own little hell that i could not see a way out of i managed to keep my depression and self destruction habits a secret for a long time, even now my family does not know everything i was doing, for a long time there was only one person who i trusted enough to talk to and she was the one who pushed me to recover, she gave me an option, her friendship or my self destructive habits because she could not watch me go through it any longer she could not watch from the sidelines as i was slowly killing myself, i owe her my life and i will forever be great-full to her for helping me wake up and see what i was doing to myself.
I am twenty three today, and my life is nothing like i pictured it would be and today's been hard, my thoughts are all regrets i wanted so much more for my life by now but because i was sucked into depression i feel as though i have wasted a huge portion of my life that i will never get back. although im back on track and mostly recovered now i feel like im running out of time. because the truth is life is short, and it does go by in the blink of an eye. so from here on out im going to live my life to the fullest, im going to have fun everyday im going to make sure i do stuff spontaneously and live to make up for 10 years lost to depression. 10 years i will never get back.

what i have been up to.

This weekend i have a birthday dinner with my best friend, boyfriend and family, it was so much fun and i really enjoyed myself and i also got a minion cake! (im obsessed okay).  Sunday my niece  had a 5th frozen themed birthday party and i got to take some pictures! it was so fun and so awesome to see her with all her little friends from preschool, i can tell her mum is going to be in for a rough time with her once shes hits her teens haha.

Jelly

Cookied

My beautiful niece Dancing

Dancing again!!

Minion cake my bestie made me :D

Myself and the boyfriend

Present from the boyfriend

present from the best friend!

Weekly overview.

This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.

my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.

here are some pictures from during the week

Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing) 

Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.

I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)

keep breaking free xoxo Sammy

You are no longer the first thing on my mind.

One of my biggest triggers is my father. he means everything to me and he was the one person i craved approval from. Even now i still hate upsetting him but i am learning to live my life for me and if that makes some people unhappy then they do not deserve to be in my life.

Fights with my Father was the most common thing to set me off after an argument i would go off into my room (normally storming off) shut the door and pull out my razor. over the past eight months that razor has been the first thing i have thought about after ever argument every disappointed look. And i would have to calm myself down i still go to my room i still cry but i don't dig out my razor i pace my room until i have calmed down enough to know i am not going to do anything stupid. i tried going for a drive but i found in my angry/upset state i would speed and not slow down around corners so i promised myself to never get behind the wheel again if i was upset or angry. 

Yesterday after a rather heated argument with my father pulling out that razor was not the first thing to come to mind the first thing that came to mind was music "just turn it up you'll be fine". i stuck my head phones on turned the volume up and drowned out my thoughts. it wasn't until after i had calmed down and taken off my head phones to go get a drink of water that i realized that i hadn't even thought about slicing my skin. 

I was grinning from ear to ear this is huge, to not want to hurt myself after something goes wrong. 

to not want to hurt myself over someone else's harsh words.

In other news.

My birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks, i dread birthdays i hate getting older, i don't want to get older, i do plan to go out to dinner with my family, boyfriend and a few close friends. I am only turning twenty three so its not a big deal birthday but i am looking forward to it, i am well past the whole "lets get drunk" and ready for a nice semi quiet night. i must be getting old :) 

Also lately i have been day dreaming of getting married and having kids and that whole chapter of life, my boyfriend thinks we are to young and wants to wait but i don't know i have been wanting a baby for a long time now and want one soon after all with my pcos the younger the better. but first i need to get down to a healthy weight so i can have the best chance and the healthiest pregnancy possible. that is another thing this blog will be used for :) im giving myself a year to lose 20-30kg. and will talk to the boyfriend about trying for a baby as a reward :)

anyway lovelies im of to tumblr for a bit until the boy finishes work then im off to bed so goodnight! 

keep breaking free and i will post again soon xoxo

“For a long time I wasn’t 
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I 
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”

18/12/12

Diary Entry.

The worst feeling in the world..
When your at your worst, tired exhausted and literally about to give up, your about to drag that blade across your wrist, down that bottle of pills or put that gun to your head. and your serious when you say it cant get any worse then this. but you pull yourself up because you don't want to hurt those you love, you don't want them to ever feel the way you do at this very moment. So you stay and you hold on for yet another day because you cant bare the thought of causing them so much misery, So you suffer the pain day in and day out for the people you love.
Suddenly day by day you realise your loved ones aren't speaking to you, they have stopped being there for you because they cant see you go through this anymore.
your phone stops ringing, it doesn't beep anymore, there is not one notification on your Facebook and not one explanation to go along with it.
Its been months since anyone's said a word to you and now your truly and utterly alone and the hurt and heartbreak is one million times worse then it was before, and you wonder why you held on for so long, what was the point of it all and as a tears roll down our cheek and the blood drips from your arms you realize.
It got worse.

Why.

You can write for hours but you still cant escape the mess that's inside your head. 
its like a maze of thoughts and voices that never stop running. you try everything for just a minute of peace but nothings working anymore, 
You are slowly losing your mind while your watching everyone you grew up with start lives of there own, Marriage, babies, travel everything you want but everything you cant have, everything that's just out of your reach. 
Because you live in a world where just breathing feels like a nine to five desk job and why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning.

I used to get asked all the time when my friends mums found out i was on medication for depression there exact words where "what do you have to be depressed about" which always made me feel worse, because there is no underlying issue as to why i have depression, i wasnt raped or abused, i was hardly even bullied in school, my parents are still together hell compared to some people i had the perfect life. but i was still depressed. and now that im older ive realized you don't need a reason to be depressed because depression isnt a choice, you dont one day wake up and say to yourself im going to be depressed today. thats not how depression works. no one has any control over this illness no one has a choice as to weather the develop depression, and i think the sooner people realise this the better it will be for everyone suffering it would be easier to speak out if we are struggling.