I used to write

I used to write about everything that made me sad. I used to write every darn day about something that was wrong with me, I wrote about all the bad things that went through my head. Like i was to fat to be eating, that I needed to throw up the salad I just ate, that i wasnt good enough and that no body loved me ,that maybe just push a little harder with the blade next time and it could all be over. I spent years suffering in silence. I made so many scars all over my body that I have to look at every day and remember what I did. And I'm not going to lie it hurts, it hurts knowing I spent 5 or so years trying to destroy myself. It hurts that for some stupid reason I found it impossible to tell someone what I was doing. Even to this day I can not bring myself to tell my parents how bad my depression was. But I don't write anymore, and I think it's a good thing because although I may be sad about the years lost to my mental illness. I'm not the same kind of sad that I was. I'm not trying to destroy myself. I'm learning to live and slowly learning to love who I am. And that's okay.

Body of multiple invisible illness

The past few days have been rough, ive suffered from this pain before but no where near as intense as it was today. I was in tears, i was shaking, i went cold and felt like i would puke/faint at any moment all just from the pain. so i did what any normal person would do and took a trip to the doctors. I have been in for this pain twice before the second time resulting in a scan of my ovaries and my liver. which revealed nothing. this time though the doctor ( a different one) told me to lay on my side and started pushing down my spin and then up to my ribs where i cried out in pain and almost fell on the floor trying to get away from his hand. and that its literally all he needed to diagnose me with yet another invisible syndrome which they call 12th rib syndrome...
yup something that they don't know much about that they dont know why or how it happens and yet another syndrome that does not have a cure.
another syndrome they cant do a thing about.
so i know have :

major depression
anxiety
PCOS and
12th rib syndrome.

The pain can last anywhere between a few hours or a few weeks episodes are random and there is no warning for them my past two episodes lasted 6 weeks about 6 weeks apart and its been like 4 months between my last one and this one.
and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
nothing i can do to ease the pain except pain killers that don't work in the slightest.
i feel like my body is betraying me
for some reason my body does not want to function normally.
maybe its that mirror i broke a few years ago or the ladder i walked under as a child... what ever it is i want it to stop i want to be normal.

Moving out and Growing up

Its scary isn't it the way time just fly's by and how quickly the day goes by.
ive been thinking a lot about my life and my plan for life. i have two huge dreams, to travel and to have children. I want to travel the world and explore and have fun but my infertility issues have made a child a priority first. i know i can travel when im older and even with a child if we can save up enough. i want to travel Europe mostly, but after watching Louis Cole (funforlouis) on YouTube i want to see so much more. but im scared it will never happen. But our dream of a family needs to happen first.

in other news myself and my partner have decide to move out of our flatting situation and go out on our own. itll be tough financially but i think for my mental state and our relationship its needed im excited to have our own house and be able to keep it clean and organised and decorate it how ever i please. and to get into a routine and actually have decent meals and have my own space.

im excited and scared for our future but im sure we will make it and figure it all out along the way :D

Learning About PCOS.

I have been diagnosed since 2011, but in all honesty i think i have been in denial for a long time and i think i am finally starting to realize if i want to be a success story i need to change, i need to change my diet, i need to change my lifestyle for the better.

i have only recently started researching PCOS, when i was diagnosed i was told to lose weight, given metformin and i was sent on my way, i was 19 years old and deep into depression. at the time i didn't care i didn't see myself living past 22 anyway. Since ive received help for my depression its kind of been the last thing on my mind i felt like my mental heath was the most important thing. so a again didn't worry about it.

I am now 23 and still barely know anything about my syndrome, so 2015 will be the year i learn alot i will learn everything there is to know about PCOS, I will do everything in my power to become a success story :)

my day today has been an active one. i woke up at 6am to go fishing with my dad we caught 11 snapper and dredged for scallops and got 36!! later on in the day my mum and sister brought my niece and nephew down for a go in the boat and to play on the beach. i manged to get some awesome shots and have decided i need a go pro as my big fancy camera is to big and im petrified of breaking it somehow. 

I also meet up with a girl who contacted me on tumblr who also has PCOS, and by god she is so inspirational its crazy we had an instant connection. and the fact we happened to be in the same town was awesome. it was nice to talk to someone who gets it you know? like i find i cant talk to my friends about PCOS cause they don't know about it. they dot know what we go through. This Girl im going t call her T helped more in an hour then what my doctors have in four years. She has also inspired me about cooking and how eating low GI isn't all that hard and we can still have yummy foods. So im setting yet another goal! Once a week i will cook something totally new. and the recipes will be altered so they are low GI she even gave me a recipe magazine that has like 10-15 recipes i want to try already :D im so excited for this year. 

xoxo till another day!

It has been Awhile

It has been almost 6 months since i last posted! i don't know why i stopped, but its now 2015!! 
the last post i made was about e and my partner deciding to start trying for a baby. well we are still trying! no luck as of yet though. but AF made an appearance last month for the first time in a year so its a start even though nothing this month i am still hopeful things are at least trying to work in my body. 
my diet and stuff hasn't been the best i moved out of my parents a few months ago and in with a friend and Chris and honestly our eating has been so bad but its starting to get better. im excited for the new year i have joined a gym and plan to go at least 3 times a week which leads me onto my new years resolutions for the year! 

Number 1 is get debt free, i am not in a huge amount of debt i have my camera to pay off which will be in march. and i have around $400 on my credit card. so i know i can do it. 

Number 2 is get healthier, i want to lose at least 20kg to help my fertility and general well being. the only thing that could hinder this is if i get pregnant but i am fairly certain because i am a bigger girl anyway losing a little bit of weight whilst pregnant will actually be a good thing so i am feeling good about being able to lose 20kg by 2016!

Number 3 is save for a new car. basically i have a two door car and with wanting a family its obviously not big enough so id like to save for a new one and hopefully have a new one by 2016. 

Number 4 is either find a new job that i like or go into study photography. 

That is pretty much it but im also going to make a goal of posting on here once a week as well, my life isnt that exciting but im a young woman living with PCOS and attempting to have a family before its to late. and i want to document it. so you can follow if you wish. 

xoxo wishing you all a safe and happy new year. 

Trying for a baby.

So as you all know i have been wanting a baby for awhile now and i talked to my boyfriend about the possibility of trying sooner rather then later because of my pcos and he is all for the idea. And as of last week we have been trying. Im excited but scared all at the same time. I love my boyfriend and im 99% sure he is the one. And i really want a baby with him. We have already decided on a boys name but not a girls name. Im not even pregnant yet and were talking names. We also plan to move towns in the next six months. I am so excited to be starting the next chapter of our lives together. I will keep you all updated on everything ect :). 

Living with PCOS

So i haven't mentioned this on here before. But i have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) basically i have cysts growing on my ovaries, with causes a lot of different problems, irregular periods, pain, infertility, and it also makes it a shit load harder to lose weight then just an average person, and teaming that with having a bad relationship with food in the first place make it even harder, and when you have been trying to lose weight for years and end up only getting bigger and bigger and the only way that ever worked was when you starved yourself it gets so fucking frustrating that you just give up and eat that chocolate bar because you feel like your never going to lose weight and yourve been trying do hard for the past month and nothings changed anyway so why even try.
But then you get this sharp twisting pain in your lower stomach and all the fear of not being able to ever have kids, the fear of maybe having to get you ovaries removed comes back and you know you need to lose weight for your health and your future.

Sorry having a hard time trying to lose weight and its just not working and i needed to rant.