Weekly overview.

This week as been pretty uneventful,
my boss has asked me to postpone my holiday by a couple of weeks as we are really short staffed so my hope of a ten day holiday is no longer getting me through the week. i am so over my job its not even funny.
I went shopping on Friday and scored 3 bras for $30.00 so cheap definitely going there again. and got some more bleach for my hair (hopefully the last time ill have to bleach it )
I took some photos for a friends wedding invitations that i should be working on right now but i just have no drive to do anything at the moment.
Im not to sure why either its just like a cloud i cant get out from under at the moment.
my birthday dinner is this Saturday and only one friend plus my boyfriend and my family can make it so im thinking of canceling it altogether. its also my nieces birthday party on the Sunday so everyone's efforts and thoughts are on that and most of the family cant make it two days in a row which is fair enough.

my best friend arrives from Australia on the 6th of june and i cant wait to see her.
other then that my weeks bee pretty boring and depressing. i dunno sorry this post is pretty lame i don't even know why im putting it up but hey.

here are some pictures from during the week

Shopping from Friday Bras from Rose and thorne (seriously if you live in Nz or Aussie check them out) hair bleach, and nak care shampoo and conditioner ( again if you have bleached hair use this stuff it is amazing) 

Wednesday was spent preparing for my nieces party next Sunday. shes turning 5 and her party is all frozen themed i will definitely have pictures of that for you next week.

I currently cant post photos of the photoshoot i did as the photos still have to be edited but i will post a few once ive edited them :)

keep breaking free xoxo Sammy

“For a long time I wasn’t 
entirely sure I wanted to
put myself back together,
because letting go of the
sadness would mean I 
had to redefine myself.
And sometimes, I still feel
like chasing the darkness,
because I don’t exactly
know who I am without
it. I realised I made a
home out of something I
should have never let in.”

Living.

Today was so awesome yet so basic.
Myself and my sister went to the beach it was about 45min away and the drive out into the country side was just so nice and the sun was shining and the beach was so beautiful even though its coming into winter and the water was freezing just walking along the beach taking pictures was so relaxing. One thing you all have to do if your are in recovery is get outside and enjoy what the world has to offer. Life is so beautiful there is so much to see and do live a little :) explore that park down the road, climb the hill and watch the sunset you wont regret it i promise.
some pictures from today

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first time to see a jellyfish up close :)

So my lovelies if your struggling today take a walk! just go outside and breath in the fresh air instagram me you pictures of where you walk to #sami33ee :) id love to see them 

Its been awhile.

Hey guys! (if your still out there)
to be honest i totally forgot about this blog. its been a good year since i posted here, i debated if i should just delete this one and start afresh or keep it as a reminder of how bad i got and how far i have come in just one short year. this blog will be changing a lot. it wont be as dark or as depressing and it wont be just about that part of my life, i will still post about my struggles and everything but i will also add other things that are happening in my life. it will be more cheerful and all of that jazz so hopefully you stick around, i mean if you've stuck around for a year with no activity happening on this blog im sure a bit of a change wont matter to much to you.

Recovery update
Well over the past year i feel i have made huge progress in my recovery from depression and self harm and would even go as far as saying i think i am going to be okay from here on out. it was rough i am not telling you stopping was easy that changing the things i was doing was easy it was difficult, but after realizing my parents did care, that my friends cared, that people loved me helped me the most having that support there is what got me through. I'm also not saying i don't have bad days anymore because trust me i do but they no longer control me. The "voices" aren't there anymore and i am strong enough to put down the blade and step away from the toilet bowl. I am about 8 months clean of self harm.

Changes in my life. 
Not a lot has changed in my life i am still living with my parents, still working at burger king and still wish i could be doing more. the most significant changes in my life are...
about a month after my last post to this blog my best friend / guy i had a major crush on and had liked for about 5 years finally asked me out and we have now been going out just over a year and yes im going to say it he has been one of the best things to ever happen to me he saved me without even realizing it. most people will say that you need to love yourself before someone else loves you, but he has made me see that i am lovable that im more then what i was seeing in the mirror.
And the other most significant thing is that i have found a hobby that i love and its taking pictures. photography now consumes my days off. i love taking pictures of everything. and have even been able to make some extra cash taking pictures of my friends and there family's and have even done a couple of weddings i think finding a hobby is crucial in recovery it gives you something else to focus on something to distract yourself with and i am most happy after a day out taking pictures.

Past and future
the past year i have mostly been focusing on recovery and just building up my strength and finding out what works for me and slowly coming to terms with the fact that i will be living with this for the rest of my life but also understanding it doesn't have to control me.
I am not too sure on what my future holds, i am currently looking for a new job and am hoping to move out with my boyfriend and some friends by the end of the year, even though i get a lot of people telling me to make a career out of my photography i think im going to keep it as a hobby as i feel like making it a career would take away the fun and relaxing thing i enjoy most about it.

I promise to write on here at least once a week about one thing or another, feel free to ask questions about anything and everything. :) loveees Sammy.

18/12/12

Diary Entry.

The worst feeling in the world..
When your at your worst, tired exhausted and literally about to give up, your about to drag that blade across your wrist, down that bottle of pills or put that gun to your head. and your serious when you say it cant get any worse then this. but you pull yourself up because you don't want to hurt those you love, you don't want them to ever feel the way you do at this very moment. So you stay and you hold on for yet another day because you cant bare the thought of causing them so much misery, So you suffer the pain day in and day out for the people you love.
Suddenly day by day you realise your loved ones aren't speaking to you, they have stopped being there for you because they cant see you go through this anymore.
your phone stops ringing, it doesn't beep anymore, there is not one notification on your Facebook and not one explanation to go along with it.
Its been months since anyone's said a word to you and now your truly and utterly alone and the hurt and heartbreak is one million times worse then it was before, and you wonder why you held on for so long, what was the point of it all and as a tears roll down our cheek and the blood drips from your arms you realize.
It got worse.

Why.

You can write for hours but you still cant escape the mess that's inside your head. 
its like a maze of thoughts and voices that never stop running. you try everything for just a minute of peace but nothings working anymore, 
You are slowly losing your mind while your watching everyone you grew up with start lives of there own, Marriage, babies, travel everything you want but everything you cant have, everything that's just out of your reach. 
Because you live in a world where just breathing feels like a nine to five desk job and why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning.

Broken birds learn to love

Theres something missing and somehow you made me complete you made everything okay you made me happy. You have been my best friend for over 6 years and i fell for you at the wrong time, we had fun, but you never loved me i fell for your lies and played your games, you meant everything to me but you broke my heart, the four straight angry deep scars i made the day i found out it was all a lie remind me daily of what you did they are never going to go away they a permanent reminder of everything we had. Somehow through all the pain you caused every time i see you every time you txt me i fall a little more i wouldn't call it love anymore but i still care and that hurts even more

living with depression is like living with a cloud over your head that could shoot down hail at any time any place any where, its a ticking time bomb and you never know when its going to explode.
you have alot more bad days then you do good and sometimes you might not get a good day for weeks at  time but those good days keep you sane they make you strong enough for another fight but every round is getting stronger darker longer and more powerful sometimes i wonder how long im going to last how much longer i can hold on to the side of the cage.

Ive made this wall around my entire being not to keep people out but to keep myself in, to lock away all the evil inside myself to protect everyone that comes in and out of my life, 
Its a sheltered life but this way the demons only hurt me not those i love. And although its a dark place its safest for everyone.