i can tell when im coming up to an okay patch where the clouds let in little bit of light and i can breath again, this is the time that i can gather myself together gear my self up for the next round of darkness, i actually get out of bed, i start thinking about things i need to do/complete the next day and i actually get in the shower on my days off work.
but thats just the thing i can recognise when things are getting brighter and thats when i pack everything in, going out with friends shopping, job hunting, hobbies, seeing family because i know in a few days it could all be black again and i could be back in my bed with the curtains drawn and my music playing. where i shouldn't be packing things in i should be making myself do these things no matter how bad things are because thats the only way im going to fight this. if this is really the start of a few good days i will be making myself go to the doctors to get this sorted.
i cant keep living like this, i cant keep putting off my life and waiting for the next round of darkness.
Its always darkest before the dawn.